Things I Focus on When Someone is Dying
Recently, I was asked to distill into a 12 point list the most important things I focus on as a death worker with a person who is dying at the very end. I love a list and ended up coming up with 13 points that I always try to keep in mind.
In no particular order, here are my thoughts:
A new relationship with breath: our breathing changes in sound, quality and labor as we die. This can be scary for the person dying and the people accompanying them. For the dying person, the shallow, more frequent breaths can activate a sense of panic and biological fear. So for me, it's important to offer the practical education that this is normal, this is your body letting go and your breath can let go, too. This also looks like me intentionally slowing my breath down as a cue to help the dying person slow their breaths down, too, and relaxing that sense of panic to return to the moment.
If you've never loved yourself before, now is the time. How someone is loved in their final days can completely change the narrative of their life and legacy. I truly believe this. Even if someone was horribly wronged and mistreated every other moment in their life, being given intentional unconditional positive regard in their final moments changes how they see themselves and the ancestor they become.
Joy through comfort: I want my people to walk into the next chapter with joy and love. So comfort of the body is important but also the many small touches that make our lives good and uniquely our own. All the details matter: lighting and color and texture and smells and sound and . . . it all helps offer the peace someone needs to let go with dignity and autonomy.
You are not alone. I always want my clients to know that even though they are doing the dying, there is still at least one person (me and often more) who is here to witness them, no matter what.
You still get to have boundaries. Depending on the death culture around the dying person, they may be getting both strangely venerated and infantilized - and often, also kind of ignored. But just because someone can no longer speak or move or do other "significant" lifey things doesn't mean that they cannot communicate or give consent. Ideally, the dying person and I will have had time before to learn their preferences but even if not, I verbally inform them about everything and everyone and watch for cues that can be very subtle.
The dying person is the most important person. Period. Their preferences, needs and hopes are my top priority. Even if it goes against the living people's wants. They're not dying yet. I'm not forgetting who I'm advocating for.
What is making it hard to let go of this life? If someone is struggling with death, it's often because of an attachment or something that is not yet done. Helping the dying person face and name this can help.
Death is not annihilation. Death has often been weaponized as an erasure of existence. It still is. Many people worry that their life has had no impact or meaning and that they will be instantly forgotten. I remind them that, irregardless of belief system, there are people who remember them and, therefore, their life or at least the memory of them continues.
You are loved, you are precious, you have made the world richer by being with us. I will tell you this even after your last breath.
This death is about you, not social media. The notion of a "good death" can cause a lot of pressure on the dying person. I remind folks that this death is not a performance, is not anyone else's but theirs. Let's do what is right for you in this particular moment in this particular life.
There is still time to invite people in - and kick them out. Relationships shape our lives. Say sorry if that's what's true for you. Say I need you or I hate you or I'm grateful for you. Get as much out as possible. Or just be together or finally apart.
You are not a burden. Your life, your dying, your need and want for care is not a burden. It is a joy and delight to be with you. You deserve all of the goodness and more.
Thank you. It is such a humbling, knee-bending honor to be with someone through their death. It really, really is. Every single time. I am in awe that people choose me to be with them in this way.
What is important for you at the very end of life?
