The Importance of Funeral Directors

When people who are interested in becoming death workers ask me who they should be networking with, I always say funeral directors. This advice is often met with skeptical looks, surprise and hesitation. For good reason. There is real professional distrust between some funeral directors and death workers and vice versa. In some cases, the tension is hostile and leads to situations like this.

Multiple funeral directors from different parts of the country have explained to me that their experience of death workers is often not positive. They encounter doulas who have never sat at the bedside of a dying person and many more who give families incorrect information about what a funeral home can and cannot do.

On our end, I have met many death workers who consider funeral homes to only be interested in making money. Sometimes we have to educate funeral homes and heavily advocate for a client’s right to a home funeral, non-traditional memorial, etc.

There is room on all sides for greater understanding and empathy of our different roles. As End-of-Life professionals, both groups meet people at the hardest moments in their lives. When we as death workers and funeral homes are able to work together, we can provide compassionate, skilled continuity of care that makes people feel held, supported and honored in ways that truly respect life and grief.

It has taken years but I feel fortunate to say that funeral directors have become some of my favorite colleagues. As a group, I find funeral directors to be hilarious, engaging conversationalists and deeply reverent of the humanity of the people they serve. They are consummate professionals. I know funeral directors who read bedtime stories to the bodies of children in their care every night until final disposition is complete. I have watched others handle the volatile emotions of grieving family members with more humility, skill and kindness than many therapists and death workers I know (and I know a lot of therapists and death workers, y’all). I am grateful to the funeral directors who have taken the time to educate me and hold me accountable so that I can become a better death worker, colleague and community member.

Are there funeral directors and funeral homes in need of more cultural humility and openness to different ways of doing things? Absolutely. Are there death workers who also have the same growing pains? Yep. However, there are many funeral directors who are already really incredible and are continually working hard to keep learning. Do you have a favorite funeral home or director? I would love to know 🧡